Sauron Crocker
by Teroglahn
Summary: When Frodo accidentaly puts on the One Ring at the Prancing Pony, he sees Sauron... though not exactly the big eye we're used to. Fairly OddParents Crossover


Author's Note: All of the words that trigger Crocker's- er, Sauron's awkward spasms are in bold. No offense to anyone whose last name does happen to be "Crocker." I hope you enjoy this random fic of mine, and please review. Even if you think this is the worst possible way to waste five minutes ever, please review.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, movie or book, nor do I own the Fairly OddParents.

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**Sauron Crocker**

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_Baggins. Baggins._  
  
Frodo heard this in his head. It was not safe to be a Baggins, even here in the Prancing Pony, which Gandalf had ordered them to go to, and was recommended even by Tom Bombadil! Nobody looked trustworthy, even his friends. There was a mysterious man sitting in the corner, Butterbur called him Strider, who looked especially untrustworthy. All he did was take sips from his mug, smoked his pipe, and stared at Frodo.  
  
_Baggins. Baggins._ "Yeah, Baggins!"  
  
That last one wasn't in his head! Frodo turned around to see Pippin at the bar, talking to one of the bar regulars, pointing to him. "Yeah," he said, "That's Baggins, right there."  
  
Pippin! That idiot! He knew he had one pint too many! Frodo jumped from his seat and bolted towards the Took, crying, "Pippin, no!"  
  
Suddenly, he tripped, and he felt his neck was lighter than before. He gasped. The Ring! It was now flying above him, and now it had begun its descent. Frodo held out a hand to catch it, hoping that a Black Rider wasn't standing over him to catch it in midair. Sure, he could have been overreacting, but after all that happened so far, he could believe anything.  
  
Sure enough, it landed... right around his finger! He felt a gust of cold, unearthly wind sweep him away...

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Frodo looked around. Everything looked so... different. Everything was tinted brown, except for the people, who were black clouds. Every image seemed to be blowing, like leaves in a fierce wind, and his eyesight was so blurry. So this was what happened when you wore the Ring! He had no idea why Bilbo didn't mind this happening.  
  
Suddenly, he felt his gaze going somewhere outside the inn, to the east. In front of him emerged a dark tower- _The_ Dark Tower- which had many spikes and frightening "designs." And to Frodo's horror, on top of the Tower was...  
  
A man! But not the kind of man he was used to. This one wore an unusual accessory on his eyes, though it rested on his nose, and formal wear that some hobbits Frodo remembered- not exactly the most tasteful hobbits, though. He looked thin- far to thin for a man, like Gollum!- and suspiciously pale. Most suspicious, in Frodo's opinion, were the man's peculiar ears. They popped out too low on its head, and what was that swirl pattern on them?  
  
The man grinned; a mischievous smile that could haunt anyone's nightmares. It spoke was an irritating, wheezy voice, "So, Baggins... You thought you could get away from me, hmm?"  
  
"Who are you?" asked Frodo in a little voice. He wasn't quite afraid of the man, just creeped out.  
  
"Who am I, you ask," laughed the man, "I am Sauron!"  
  
"SAURON?!"  
  
_This_ was Sauron the Abhorred? This was the fearsome Lord of the Rings? This was the Enemy? This little misshaped man?  
  
"Eh... I apologize," said Frodo, "But I was expecting more of a...," he thought of how Gandalf described it, "Lidless eye wrought in flames."  
  
Sauron sneered, "EVERYONE thinks that. The public ALWAYS goes for creepy, supernatural beings! It's not fair at all. Why can't I be a creepy, supernatural being?! GAH?!"  
  
Frodo jumped at Sauron's sudden fit. How the heck did he convince the mortal men to take his Nine Rings with this?  
  
"But," said Sauron slyly, getting over his unusual temper far too quickly to be normal, "I am like an eye, Baggins. I have been watching you... always watching. And I know, Baggins, that you have my... **RING-OF-POWER**!"  
  
Frodo jumped again. When Sauron said "Ring of Power," he suddenly had violent spasms. Even for a Dark Lord, this couldn't be normal.  
  
"But," continued Sauron, "As for being 'wrought in flames,' you could say I am... hot, eh, Baggins?"  
  
Frodo shuddered in disgust. Eeeeewww... that was... an unexpected... and unwanted comment. "But," he asked, hoping to change the subject, "How did you find me?"  
  
"Well," said Sauron, obviously hoping that Frodo would ask. Oh, for the love of the Valar, not that creepy smile again!, "As I said, I have been watching you, always watching! But not directly, for I have many sneaky servants. After all, I can't see very well. I have GLASSES!! SEE?! SEE?!?!"  
  
Frodo was at a loss of words, besides "Ehhh..." If he could have found words to say at that moment, it would have been, "Get to the point!"  
  
"As I was saying," he continued, "I have many sneaky servants: my Orcs, my Trolls, my Wargs and Winged Fell Beasts, and especially my dreaded, loathsome... **RING-WRAITHS**!"  
  
"I... see." said Frodo, once again puzzled by Sauron's sudden violent spasms.  
  
"And it won't be long now, Baggins," said Sauron, "Before I take my precious **RULING RING** from you, and I, Sauron Crocker-"  
  
"You're last name's 'Crocker?'" Usually, only hobbits used last names other than titles, and Frodo had heard many different last names: Chub and Proudfoot and Took and Brandybuck- he had to admit that even "Baggins" could sound funny. But Crocker? What kind of a name was "Crocker?"  
  
Sauron paused, giving Frodo an evil glare. He continued, "And I, Sauron Crocker, shall be... Mr. Crocker! Overlord of all of Middle-Earth!" And then he laughed; a sickening, wheezy laugh that sounded like he was hyperventilating.  
  
Once he finished laughing, he said, "And now I will do the I-am-the-overlord-of-all-of-Middle-Earth dance," and sang, "Oh, I am the overlord of all of Middle Earth! I am the overlord of all of Middle Earth! I am the overlord of-"  
  
RING! An unusual ringing noise came from Sauron's pants pocket, sparing Frodo from hearing the rest of Sauron's annoying song and seeing the rest of his horrific tap-dance. Grumbling, he pulled what looked like a shiny, silver box from his pocket.  
  
"Hello?" he said to the box. An unusually high-pitched woman's voice responded, "Hi, Sauron, sweetie."  
  
Sauron's eyes became wide with horror, "Oh, hello Morgoth!" he said in a happy voice, a cheesy grin plastered on his face.  
  
"Now, Sauron, did you try on my dress?"  
  
"WHAT? Morgoth, why must I do that?"  
  
"Don't you know? I'm going to the Void dance tonight, and I need to see how it fits."  
  
"There are no dances in the Void!"  
  
"There are now!"  
  
Sauron sighed, and in horror, he held up a _dress_ that would obviously be too small on him. Frodo tried his best to prevent himself from cracking up.  
  
"I will, I will." groaned Sauron.  
  
"Bye, sweetie!"  
  
Sauron quickly stuffed the box into his pocket, and said, "Well, that was an awkward moment, but anyway, I'm on to you, Baggins. And I shall obtain my... **RING-OF-POWER**!"  
  
"I... better be going now," said Frodo, hoping this would be over soon.  
  
"Oh, no you don't," snapped Sauron, "For if you do not give me what I need this instant, I shall smite thee with my... Morgul Blade!" And he pulled out a pathetic-looking paper sword. "Do you still doubt my word, then take this!" yelled Sauron, and he leaned over to poke Frodo with the "blade."  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
He poked again.  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
"Blast," he hissed, "They don't make these like they used to. But I'll win at our next encounter, and I shall reclaim my... **ONE-RING**!"  
  
Did he really have to do that whenever he said, "ring?"  
  
"Because, Baggins, it belongs to me, and me alone! The **ONE-RING**! It's mine!"  
  
_Take it off! Take off the Ring, you fool!_ Thought Frodo. And that's what he did.  
  
Sauron cursed at him, and he suddenly returned to the Inn of the Prancing Pony...

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Many chapters, or if you like the movie better, many scenes later, at the Council of Elrond:  
  
"I'll take the Ring!" cried Frodo. The chaos at the Council slowly died down. "I'll take the Ring, though with an enemy like Sauron, I really don't think it's that big of a deal."  
  
Elrond simply rolled his eyes, and muttered, "Periannath."  
  
The End 


End file.
